


Monster In Me

by Yoru_Lun



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Stiles Stilinski, Gen, Hurt Stiles, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nogitsune Trauma, Post-Nogitsune, Post-Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, Sad Stiles Stilinski, Self-Hatred, Stiles is Pushed Out of the Pack, Suicidal Stiles Stilinski, Survivor Guilt, trigger-warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-12 14:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7937686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoru_Lun/pseuds/Yoru_Lun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything was his fault and he have to make up to it somehow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I MADE THIS IN THIRTY MINUTES AND IT IS NOT BETA READ. IF THIS IS NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA, TURN AROUND.

Stiles used to think he was a good son.

He used to think he was a good friend.

There was a lot of things he used to think himself as but right now, with all that had happened in his life, he could not think himself as good anymore. He could not see himself through the same naïve view ever again because he has lost whatever little shred of precious innocence he have left.

Instead of telling the truth to his father like any good son would have, he kept all of it in, bottling all of it in to the point where he scrambled blindly to discern which one is the truth and which is lies. He either deflected or outright lied to his father whenever another mysterious death happened in town.

He wanted nothing more than to just tell him, to spill every dirty little secrets that he had hidden away throughout the years. Their relationship used to be an open one, each never keeping any secret from the other but now Stiles couldn’t help but lament the broken relationship between them. What used to bring comfort to him are now too painful to bear.

Stiles loves his dad, he really does but he could never burden his father with the knowledge of his son running with the wolves, that Stiles is constantly throwing himself into the path of danger every time a supernatural creature come to the town.

He does not want for his dad to worry about him every time he came home with bruised cheeks or busted lips. Just let him think it as wounds from his clumsiness or from bullies even. He would rather his father only worry about him being bullied than fearing each wound is from a dangerous creature that should only be myth. His father already worried enough as it is and Stiles does not want to add any more to his plate. Besides, his father would definitely work himself into a frenzy to protect Stiles if he knew just what kind of creature he had been facing against.

It kills him more inside when he has to tell him another lie and it hurts more than being maimed by werewolf when he saw that weary face drawing taut with frustration and those eyes clouding with disappointment. If this is the pain that he has to go through if he wants to keep his father safe, then Stiles will gladly pay it. Facing the disappointment of his father is better than staring down the black lid of a coffin being lowered down into the ground.

Innocence is bliss after all and Stiles will fight tooth and nail to make sure his father never know the horror he went through after he had dragged Scott into the Preserve that one particular night.

As for Scott, Stiles does not even know where to begin. 

He had known the curly haired asthmatic boy ever since they were in grade school They had been perpetually attached to the hip ever since then, always being there for each other no matter what. Scott was there when his mom grew worse, when the dementia finally took its toll over her and Stiles was there for him when his parent divorced. Through thick and thin, the two of them faced the adversaries of life together, shouldering the other when one of them crumbled under the strain of hardship. Between tears and laughter, they had formed a bond of brotherhood that Stiles still could not believe he have with anyone.

Scott had been his rock ever since his mom had passed away and he had guarded him with jealous abandon. It was a normal thing for them to dabble in mischief but Stiles questioned himself more than once on his decision to bring Scott into the woods on that night where everything changed for them. If only he had been bright enough to think about going there himself first before bringing Scott or better yet, if only he had never dragged him there at all.

Sure Scott had assured him that the bite had changed his life for the better but Stiles would beg to differ. Despite what people think, Stiles is not oblivious, in fact he was far from it. He could see the heavy weight of grief and guilt weighing down on those shoulders and it would only hunch further each time someone else got injured or worse, killed. If the cost of making Scott a healthy teenager is this disastrous, Stiles would rather for the Hispanic teen to forever be asthmatic. It is better to see him wheezing for breath than see those eyes darken with self-loathing and grief.

It is his fault that Scott got dragged into this nightmare that they called life. If it were not for his need to dig up about the half of a body, Scott would still be his cheery and bright self. He would have never had to feel the pain of being clawed out by rivalling werewolf and he would have never feared about what would happen tomorrow, of the unseeing threat that loomed to swallow them whole. He should live the life as a normal teenager whose worst pain are blue ball and darkest fear of not being laid. 

It is Stiles’ fault that his best friend learned just how painful it is to lose the love of his life and it is Stiles’ fault that Scott lose the precious innocence he still has left.

His own mistake had started a chain reaction that had affected the life of those around him. He had caused for Scott to become something he wasn’t. He had caused Allison’s death. He had caused Lydia to become something she feared. He had caused Jackson to become a monster. He had driven Erica and Boyd into their untimely death. He had caused many citizens of Beacon Hills to lose their family.

And all of it because he could not hold in his own curiosity.

Maybe his mother was right after all. He is a poison to those around him. He only knows how to corrupt the people around him and slowly kill them in the most painful way possible.

The Nogitsune was proof enough that he brings nothing but pain to everyone. It was better that he had plunged himself with that sword when he had the chance or perhaps put a bullet into his own head using one of the many guns his father had kept in the house. His foolish mistake had caused so much pain for them and Stiles would forever remember the sensation of sick glee he had felt when it was him who instigated it.

Every time he closed his eyes, he could still see the crimson liquid staining his hands, feel the warmth of it on his palms as his nose flared at the coppery scent. Even if it was the action done by the Nogitsune, Stiles was aware of it, he was aware of what his body was doing and he is aware that he was the one who caused all of it. 

It was he who caused the hospital's electric supply cable to split, injuring and killing dozens of bystanders. It was he who placed the arrow that embedded itself into Coach Finstock. It was he who placed the explosion in the station and it caused the death of many officers. It was he who gutted Scott at the vet and every single death that happened during the Nogitsune was all his fault.

He is a poison that lured in the darkness that was the fox and it is only his own weakness that allowed for the creature to easily possess him.

People told him it was not his fault, that he is not held accountable for the actions of the Nogitsune but he could see that they barely believed themselves. Even Scott, who avoided him like the plague after Allison’s funeral. Stiles does not blame him because it was he after all who caused her death. Lydia and his dad was tentative around him, treating him as if they are walking on egg shells. Isaac and Ethan left the town for good and Stiles thinks it is for the best because they had lost too much as it is.

He deserved all of their hate for making them lose the people they loved and it is just simply unfair that he is still alive when many died for something that was his mistake to begin with. He deserves the ache that flared in his chest whenever they ‘forgot’ to invite him to a Pack meeting and deserves the wary looks in his friends’ eyes whenever they came face to face.

And all he can say is ‘Sorry.’

‘Sorry for being a bad son.’

‘Sorry for being a bad friend.’

‘Sorry for causing all of it.’

‘Sorry for killing so many people.’

It sounded so pathetic to his own ear and Stiles felt so hollow inside as he writes it down on the wall and on the floor of his own room using the same red liquid that flowed freely through the deep cut on his wrist. He knew he does not have the right to choose the coward way out after making so many people lose their lives but he does not want to let the poison that he is end up corrupting those around him again. 

He does not want for the darkness to touch anyone ever again. 

He does not want to hurt his precious people again. 

He does not want to lose any of them again.

He does not want the monster inside of him to find its way out again because that is what he is.

He is a monster.

And monster need to be killed.


	2. My Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A buried past was brought forth as the black casket was lowered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah since I had received a good response about this fic, I decided to add a new but last chapter to conclude it. God writing this made me cry, I'm never touching this again. Anyway, this is a gift for you guys who had given me the support I needed to fall into the Teen Wolf fandom.

He could not believe that he would be standing here again one day, amongst the rows of mourners who were clad in black as they gathered in front of a black casket. He had vowed to never let it happen again, not after the crippling guilt of his previous failure had thrown him into the bottom of the bottle. There is always a reason why he keeps on urging his students to be more successful, to put in more effort into what they are doing when he himself had failed all those years ago with Greenberg.

Most of his students thought he is crazy for always calling out to a student that was not there, scolding and jabbing at someone who none of them had known and will never know because Greenberg had been buried six feet under in this very same cemetery years ago.

They thought Greenberg as a part of his batch of craziness, a person that he made exist just to shout at. Perhaps they were right after all, he is crazy and acting as if Greenberg was still alive is his own way of coping.

It was unhealthy and he definitely does not look sane to those around him, not that he is to begin with but it helped him cling to the thinning strands of sanity that he had almost let go many times before.

Each time he closed his eyes, he was haunted by the image of red stained floor, of a pale body laying limp in a pool of red, of the full lips that still smiled despite the life bleeding out from his eyes. It still haunted him even when it had been years since it happened and now history is repeating itself once again.

Only this time, it is not Greenberg who was in the black casket, it is Stiles Stilinski, whose first name still eluded him.

He had never thought he would be going to one of his student’s funeral and definitely not this early. He had expected Stilinski to die in many ways, either being gutted by someone who he pissed off with his smart mouth or by his own innate clumsiness that always brought him into countless accidents. He never expected for it to be through the same way that he had tried so hard to prevent throughout his whole teaching career.

**_Suicide._ **

It still baffled him that the boy who does not know when to shut up even if his life depended on it is now dead and his mind could not digest this fact. Perhaps it was the painkiller he had consumed before coming here but he felt too numb to accept the fact that he had not lost only one but three students in such a short time.

The first had been Allison Argent, then Aiden Lupus and now it is Stiles Stilinski.

The Argent girl had died from a stab she received from of the robbers that attacked their car when she and her friends were out. He does not know how Aiden had died but someone had said it was through the same way too.

But it was Stilinski’s death that had hit him hard.

He could not wrap his head around the reason as of why the boy would choose to do it, why he had taken up the blade when he looked so happy, so full of life.

_Greenberg had always been happy, always smiling goofily._

A dark voice whispered from the back of his mind and he immediately squashed it before he could lose himself to it again. He had gone a long way to free himself from the shackles of the liquid amber and he definitely would not be going back to it anytime soon, not when so many lives could be saved when he stayed sober.

_But you failed to save Greenberg and Stilinski_

The voice hissed before he could fully shut it out and he curled his hands into tight fists by his sides before he could start reaching out to smash something into pieces again. He had failed to save Greenberg the first time around and now he had failed to save the boy who had been right in front of him.

How could he possibly not see the signs? How had he missed it when Stilinski had shown signs of it these past months?

He had always known the boy as a great kid, a bit of a hyperactive spaz with a smart mouth that would get him into trouble but a great kid nonetheless. Stilinski is- ** _was_** a good kid, super smart, zero ability to focus but the boy never took advantages of the talents he had at hand.

Finstock knew that the boy could have be anything that he wanted to be if he had put his head into it because that boy is- ** _was_** a genius who knew how the world worked far more than anyone his age was supposed to, not surprising since he is _- **was**_ the Sheriff’s son but the boy is ** _-was_** still scarily perspective for someone his age.

So why did he choose to do this instead?

His heart ached with the familiar sting that had become a constant thing to him ever since he found Greenberg on the floor of the locker room’s shower, bleeding nonstop in a pool of his own blood with the blade in his hand. That image had been forever seared into his mind and he could only image how the Sheriff must have felt to come back home to his son’s lifeless body lying in the pool of liquid that was meant to keep him alive.

He had been there and he had cradled Greenberg’s body as the life bleed out from his eyes and wrist.

For some reason, his eyes sought out the crowd nearest to the coffin and he was not surprised to see McCall standing beside the Sheriff, face crumpled into an expression of utter grief. Each of Stilinski’s friends wore the expression of utter anguish but Finstock saw something else as he looked closer.

He sees guilt.

He does not know what had driven Stilinski to pick up the blade but it is not his place to point finger when he is the one who was supposed to be paying attention to any signs of it amongst his students. His friends might have been one of the reason that lead to this but it is not his place to put the blame.

_Especially when it is **your** fault that Greenberg died_

Finstock shut his eyes close and tried to block out everything around him. The ache in his heart hurt more than the wound he received from the arrow in his gut and shut everything off before he could break down here.

Maybe Brunski was right after all, he is a useless person and he could not even save the one boy who had been so close to him from going over the edge. He is a failure and had always been one, more so after he drowned himself at the bottom of the bottle after Greenberg’s death.

He failed to save Stilinski and Greenberg.

What kind of a teacher is he?

A failed one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a twist from Coach's POV instead of Stiles' dad or any of his friends.
> 
> I had always been wondering who the hell is Greenberg. This is my twist of how he is related to Coach and why he always seem to after him. I know other character mentioned him too sometimes but it is more to them playing along with it without knowing anything. Yeah I know he was the one who gave the mug to the coach but I think it is more to one of Greenberg's family doing it. I know I am making no sense but bear with me. And there seems to be a history between Brunski and Coach, I am just throwing him in on the fly.
> 
> Anyway, leave a review on what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> I NEVER WATCHED TEEN WOLF ACTUALLY SO FORGIVE ME FOR SOME WRONG DETAILS OR INFO BUT I THINK I HAVE READ ENOUGH OF THE FANFICTIONS AND WIKI TO DO THIS.


End file.
